Written spring 2019.
Dear Devin,
I am finally writing you, brother. I’ve known for a long time that I need to sit down and do this, but it’s so fucking hard. It’s hard to face that I won’t get to hug you, hold you, or even be mad at you again. You aren’t here. I can’t DO or BE anything with you. The reality of your non-existence becomes intensely palpable when I am sitting here, existing, and writing to your posthumous self. So of course it makes sense that I do what I can to distract myself with the daily mundanities and rigors of life. For to constantly wet myself with the waters of this truth would be to douse the flame of my optimism. You are, however, resting on the mantle of my mind, as an idol, an image of that which I strive toward and that which bestows the utmost clarity and compassion. Death, Oh Death, what a curious mistress. She comes to us winged in the night and vacuums out our pain and with it our plans and our pleasures. She is something that cannot be conceived of nor can she be known, for she is beyond the ledge of knowing. She is abyss. I curse her, the cruel cunt she is. Alas, I praise her, the redeemer of man, she is.
The paradox of death and the great gift her mystery bestows was revealed to me unto your end. For though, on one hand, I have lost you, my brother, you who came from the same womb, who played in the same dirt, who toiled in the same blood, and who grew in the same home. I have, on the other hand, gained something entirely unexpected and rather peculiar. Who knew that with great exposure to the mortality of man, would come an endowment of wisdom. When the total realization of your death descends upon me, I am consumed by it. I am nothing else. I am only grief. I am only a conduit of pure humility. And though this space can be heavy and difficult to navigate, with a patient heart and the idol of your compassion on my mantle, I am able to weather the storm and find my way to solid shores. Wisdom is what I find once I am upon these shores. After the storm of sorrows has passed and I am able to peer above the clouds, I find my awareness sharpened, my mind cleared, and my spirit singular, made whole. The dispersion of my self has been reversed! Anxiety, fear, anger, resentment, guilt, shame, all are gone, and replaced by compassion, patience, grace, humility, and joy! I experience complete catharsis.
When I have reached this point in my consciousness, I am incredibly inspired to reach forth and unfurl the flags of my will and allow the winds of the world to direct me to where I can be of the most use and the most healing. It is this cathartic muscle that will keep my feet firmly grounded to the shore, my heart sailing the waters of the world, and my spirit soaring the clouds of potential. It is from this vantage point that I must thank you, my brother. It may seem odd, but you’re death is the most beautiful gift I have ever been given. I only hope I can receive it in all its glory and essence. I hope to make you proud and really, I hope you’re smiling with me. I miss and love you brother.
Devin (left) and I (right), circa 2016, Eugene, OR
Yours,
Dillan
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